Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you... I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry!!! When everyone has gone ~ when it's safe ~ the tears fall. I cry in private so my family won't worry ... I cry until I'm exhausted and can finally fall asleep. You tell me you admire my strength and positive attitude. But I am not strong!!! I feel that I have lost control, and panic when I think about tomorrow, next week, next year. I go about the routine of the job. I complete assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of a loved one. But I'm not "over it". If I got over it, I would be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same!!! At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart ... I visit my neighbors; You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well... But I'm not holding up well!!! Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with friends, I appear calm and collected I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back to "my old self" but I will never be back to my old self. Death and grief have touched my life. and I am... Forever Changed!!
author unknown
In memory of Marjorie Jane Mac Donald
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