Some people have the misconception that cats never have

to be bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves

clean. Contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT

have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide

(with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and

have a variety of odors, from smelling like the

outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as

your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat

anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we

know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this

process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct.

Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led

to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts,

quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have

the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to

wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet

suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and

welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the

one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one

of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed

bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after

the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than

needed as you still need to find the cat. Position

everything strategically in the shower, so you can

reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the

cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying

him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the

cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely

notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed

is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the

door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the

sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While

the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty

Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the

water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds

of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and

add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of

shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to

field his body as he catapults through the air toward

the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty

Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him,

rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he

slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will

fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the

process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3

times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the

glass by then and will use the next attempt on the

first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the

easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the

cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your

right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and

in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty

Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be

off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet.

Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he

will be in a much better position for wrapping the

towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before

opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel

wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub,

if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you

can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the

bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere

looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

poofcat.com